A personal thought about modesty and the heart

As I was contemplating what I should wear this morning, my mind went back to something that happened about 3 years ago. On that day I was shuffling through my closet looking for something cute to wear and my eyes landed on a cute designer dress that I'd purchased (at a huge markdown) a few months ago but had not yet worn. The dress was chocolate brown, sleeveless, form fitting, and shorter than what I'd normally wear, but I'd just purchased an amazing pair of brown, peep-toed, four-inch pumps and shoes that fabulous required such a dress as the one I was eyeing in my closet. 

Now, normally I have this thing about balance-- if the dress is short, it can't be worn with too high a heel; if it's strapless, then it can't be too form-fitting; if it's form-fitting, then it can't be too short, and so on and so forth. Mind you, my idea of short is longer than the mainstream idea of short, but it was still a daring choice for me, and on this day I decided to forego my "modesty benchmarks," if you will, and go with the riskier fashion choice.

So I put on my dress, my pumps, kept the hair and makeup simple and to a minimum (I didn't want to look like I was meeting Eliot Spitzer for "coffee"), and with a confident stride descended down the steps of my apartment complex, as "She's a Bad Mama-Jama" played softly in the distance... I kid, I kid, but seriously, I thought I was cute that day ;-)

As soon as I got to the bottom step I saw a family of three tossing a football in the parking lot. I'd never seen this family before (or since then); a man, his wife and their young son. They were obviously Muslim, as the wife was wearing full hijab.

As I headed to my car the man took one look at me and quickly averted his eyes, discretely diverting the attention of his young son as well. It wasn't a rude gesture, or obvious, or judgmental. I don't even believe that he wanted me to notice his reaction...

But I could tell that he had seen me and had immediately wanted to UN-see me, and I instantly felt ashamed; not because my attire was inherently inappropriate, but because I had put this religious man in an uncomfortable situation. I didn't care what he thought about me, but I cared that I made him uncomfortable, and was a bit mortified at the implication- that I was something to be avoided, a vice or temptation that one must shield his eyes from...

Although, I didn't share this man's Muslim faith and certainly not his views on modesty (I'm not about to be head-to-toe covered in the summertime), he served as a reminder of my own faith and standards concerning modesty. You see, I don't believe there's a universal standard for modesty. But I do believe that modesty is an expression of what is in one's heart and that the manifestations of what is in the heart should be outward, not just buried in the heart.

It's simply not good enough for me to say "God knows my heart" when it comes to how I present myself to the world around me, because what sense does it make for me to allow the truths of my HEART to be a mystery to man, then readily reveal the secrets of my BODY to all of mankind? Am I to be coy about the expression of my heart, but unabashed in the expression of my sexuality? Surely not. It's an oversimplification of who I am, which is not just body, but heart, mind, and soul... all of which have something to say, and should speak louder than my clothes.

So dress however you want, but as for me, I want people to recognize me for my heart, not just for something as superficial and fleeting as my looks or even my intellect because those things can fade away.

But the heart is enduring, and I'd rather not disguise my heart or silence it with a provocative exterior.

Just a thought...

A word concerning Rachel Jeantel and the court of Black opinion

In a perfect world, a beautiful, articulate, college-educated white woman, with a rich husband, razor-sharp hearing, a spotless credit record, and a saintly visage would have been the last person that Trayvon Martin spoke to on the phone... 

Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world, so all we have is a young Black girl who has been thrust into a national spotlight under the worst of circumstances.

As I listened to people clown this young lady over the past two days and talk down about her looks, speech and demeanor, it reminded me of just how imperfect our legal system is and how easy it is for us to become the very thing that we ourselves despise-

Our legal system tells us that there are certain types of people whose testimonies aren't worthy or reputable simply because they are not the perfect witness. Forget about the fact that an injustice has occurred against them. God forbid you're brutalized by police and you have a felony record; your testimony against those thugs in uniform is not worthy because you're a convict... And God forbid you happen to be a woman who likes to have sex with multiple partners and one of those men rapes you; you are now a less than perfect witness of the crime against your body, because of your past. Here you are, a victim, but because of factors unrelated to the crime, you are shamed and discredited in court.

And now we get to Rachel Jeantel, who has done nothing wrong, but we- the oh so mighty court of Black opinion- have scorned her for being a less-than-perfect witness, not because she's a criminal or deviant, but because she doesn't speak and act the way we think she should act. I'm sorry she did not pass your test of acceptability for valid witness testimony, but we live in an imperfect world with an imperfect U.S. Justice system in which there are imperfect witnesses.

And this is where we, the "formal speaking, perfectly poised" collective of the Black Community embody the injustice of our legal system that we so readily speak out against. If you're out there shaming young Rachel, then you are no better that the legal system that shames the rape victim for not being the blessed Virgin Mary. Don't put on your Black hoodie in solidarity with Trayvon Martin and then do the very thing that you accuse George Zimmerman of- profiling a victim.

As a witness, she may not be what you want, but she is what you've got... or, what you "have," I should say (lest someone decide to discredit this post due to it's grammatical errors). And if you are for the cause of Trayvon, then be for it; it was an imperfect situation to begin with so don't expect perfection now.

So, show a little empathy folks and get over your unfounded elitism. Every person on this earth is important, and everyone's voice should matter, whether you like or agree with the sound of that voice or not.

Why the "He did it too" Argument is Not an Acceptable Justification for Wrong-Doing

Remember when you were a child and you'd get into trouble and you'd defend yourself by saying "He was doing it too..." ? "He" may have been a sibling, classmate, friend, or just any old random person who'd done the same thing and gotten away with it. Do you remember how the "He did it too" argument NEVER worked? Well, I do. You probably even got the notorious "If he jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?" reply, often used by authority figures as a response to a child's "He did it too" protestation.

I learned as a child that just because someone else does something wrong, that does not mean that I can do it too, and it surely doesn't mean that my wrongdoing is justified by the fact that I'm not the only party partaking in the wrong.

However, as an adult, I am mystified by the sheer number of grown, intelligent, and powerful people who are still using the "He did it too!" argument. Racists use this argument to justify their use of the N word (Black people use it too!). Political Parties use it to justify why they're not addressing the needs of their constituents (Democrats don't care about you either!). Presidents use it to justify questionable policies (my predecessor did it too!). Sports figures use it to justify poor sportsmanship (Serena lashes out too!), and so on and so on.

I don't know how these people went through their whole lives without someone setting them straight, but "He did it too" is a juvenile and unacceptable argument that I cannot take seriously from anyone over the age of 8. Using someone else's actions to justify your own almost never works. One can not simply set a precedent for wrong doing by which the rest of the world can justify their own wrong. Life doesn't work that way. You are judged by your own actions, inaction, and screw ups. Continuing to lay the burden of responsibility on a random third party does not serve anyone well and certainly doesn't solve or justify the underlying problem.

So I'd like to say to the grown-behind, decades-old, adult people who are still using the "He did it too argument": stop responding to life like third graders and start taking responsibility for yourself, your words and your actions.

And to the third-graders out there who already understand and live by the concept of personal responsibility, I meant no offense...

"EARN ME"- What I think of Olivia Pope's Declaration

People don't work to earn a thing if they can't see the value in it... 

Some people just don't have an eye for quality; they put all of their time and effort into fool's gold. Others go looking for genuine gold, but go to places where gold cannot form and spend a lifetime asking questions like, "Why can't I find any gold in this concrete?"

Others are just too lazy to work for the finer things in life, so if you're not handing out gold nuggets on the street corner, they are simply not interested. And then there are those who recognize that some things have the appearance of quality (like gold plated jewelry), but are not quality through and through and are, therefore, not worth as much trouble to obtain...

But why would anyone put any effort into the gold anyway? What value does it hold?

Well, it is valued for its beauty and its unique characteristics. It is strong; it does not rust, tarnish, or corrode but maintains its luster over time. Even ancient items forged from gold still exist today because gold has staying power and is durable. Gold is rare; and while there are many imitations, only the real thing has these valuable qualities.

Are you catching my meaning?

I know what you’re thinking: “The price of gold changes all the time so how valuable is it really?” While that may be true, price fluctuations due to demand or popularity do not change the rarity, beauty, and durability of gold. Whether we want it right now, or see the value in it now, gold is still gold and will outlast a multitude of cheaper trends. 

So. If you are a gold nugget, then yes, he will work to earn you. But if you’re wearing a visage of gold, then ask yourself how much you’d work to earn what you’re offering; and if you've put yourself in places not worthy of your value, know that you can not be earned because you can not be found, because you are out of place. 

If you are truly golden, you will endure and you will shine.

May we all recognize our worth, and put our feet to the fire to expel the impurities that dilute our quality; and may we recognize those who’ll pay big money upfront for the privilege of having gold, only to cast it aside once it’s obtained… 

Thanks for the reminder, Ms. Pope.

Concerning the relevancy of Black History Month

When Will We No Longer Need a Black History Month???

Well,

1) When people stop acting like Black and White history existed in two separate dimensions of time that happened to merge in the 50s

2) When American history books start having more than 3 chapters about Black people (the one about how we got here, the one about how we got free, and the one about how we got rights)

3) When people sto...p saying that racism does not exists because ONE powerful Black man does exist

4) When people stop being offended by the concept of Black History Month... and stop saying things like "Why don't we have a white history month?” (the answer to that profound question being that we are already smothered by the overwhelming whiteness of history, but kudos on being such a deep thinker for coming up with that question…)

5) When people stop saying "just get over" slavery and realize that there are living people who are not that far removed from and still affected by slavery, so “get over it” is easier said than done (by the way- the woman formerly known as the world's oldest Black woman, Louisiana Hines, just died on Friday; she was born in 1899 and her grandfather was a slave)

6) When we no longer have unprosecuted murderers enjoying a life of retirement instead of rotting in jail for civil rights era crimes (you are never too old to pay the price for castrating and lynching someone)

7) When the concept of racial superiority no longer exists (you'd be surprised that it exists at the level that it does now)

8) When there are no longer any 1st black _________

9) When a black president doesn't have to consider the extent to which he can engage black groups and issues so that other ethnic groups don't feel threatened (By the way, I am disappointed, Mr. President...)

10) When Black History is more than just MLK and Rosa Parks for our nation's children

11) When the summation of Martin Luther King's legacy is no longer defined by a very small segment of a 17-minute long speech... or by the name of a shady street in the worst part of town...

12) When people acknowledge the contributions of Black Americans and all other Americans outside the confines of one month

13) When people no longer think that HBCUs are inherently racist.... because these schools NEVER WOULD HAVE EXISTED, had Blacks been allowed to attend our nations universities (and you cannot expect these institutions to close their doors because other schools want us now)

Feel free to add to or disagree with my list...

Today's Musing: Learning from the Best

People always want to learn from those who are at the top of their game. They ask their friend with the voice of an angel to teach them how to sing, they ask their friend who played college basketball to teach them how to ball, they ask the super-fit guy in the gym to workout with them, they ask the high-achiever in their class to be in their study group, they ask the gifted write...r to help them with their college essay.

But here's what often happens next: they find out that the singer practices 12 hours per week, and the basketball star is on the court at 5am, and the super-fit guy trains HARD every day, and the high achiever is studying when everyone else is partying, and the gifted writer hasn't watched TV in months but reads profusely and writes prolifically...

What they find out is that those at the top of their game work extremely hard to stay there, and if they expect to be apprenticed by them they must do the same. But that's hard to do, so many, many fall away because it's easy to say, "I can do what they can do" without understanding the totality of their sacrifice. You must understand and respect their sacrifice and be willing to go as hardcore as they, because it's not a game to them, it's a lifestyle.

So, if you're about a quick and easy return, don't waste your time going to a pro, because they will recognize your b.s. and be offended that you take so lightly what they hold most dear.

Randomness: Today's gym-inspired musings

1) Zumba people are hilarious- with their Cherokee Indian war cries, and their paraphernalia, and their well coordinated Zumba-wear, these folks are really hard core about some Zumba; so hard core that after every class they have to discuss how great Zumba is for 10 extra minutes, delaying all other classes without fail. 
 I get it- Zumba makes you feel like you're in... a hip-hop video and that excites you, but I don't appreciate how ya'll cut short my Yoga class every week. Please take your hype to another room...

2) Speaking of Yoga, shame on me for giving my 70 year-old Yoga instructor the side-eye the first time I took her class, because that lady has me feeling like I've been hit by a linebacker after every class... I swear she was secretly laughing at my struggle today, but as far as I'm concerned she get's mad respect all day long. NEVER judge a book by its old, weathered cover...

3) Another thing... who works out in lace? Isn't that taking "breathable fabrics" to whole other level? Maybe it's that hot-body trainer she's paying $180 for (on top of $60 monthly fees) that has this woman laced-out like Victoria's Secret up in this gym, but I guess I shouldn't judge- if Serena Williams can play tennis in lace then this lady can work out in lace too, right? Besides, if I was paying $180 for that same hot-body trainer, I'd probably be showing up in that black cat suit Serena Williams' wore at the 2002 U.S. Open...

4) Final thought- We are getting closer and closer to that time of year when the New Years Resolution people start dropping out of the gym, freeing up the machines and "keeping the fees low" (as the gym rats are so fond of saying) for the people who work out all year long. To my Resolutioners- do not let the meatheads and gym rats clown you. Keep at your goals and get your money's worth. Your body will thank you and you can thumb your nose at those folks who were actively or inadvertently anticipating your failure.

 

Get (and stay) fit in 2013!

A Quick Word: Tighten Up in 2013

If you're an able-bodied adult blaming all of your problems on someone else- your parents, your spouse, your boss, the President, the people who didn't love you enough, the people who weren't there for you, the folks who never gave you a chance, the loved ones who died too early- then it's time for you to tighten up. Make 2013 the year of personal accountability. Stop talking about what others did and did not do for you, and how they weren't there for you. Those people don't owe you anything; God doesn't owe you anything; the universe doesn't owe you anything, but you sure do owe it to yourself to get out of that rut you're in.

Today's Professional Tip

Write and perfect your professional biography. Make changes to your bio as you add to your credentials so that your bio is always ready at a moment's notice. If you have a full page bio, create a shortform version that is no longer than one paragraph so that requestors of that document are not left to determine which information should be deleted in the event that space ...is limited. Do not hesistate to ask whether a long or short bio is preferred.

If you are called to speak at a conference or conduct a workshop or engage in any other way that requires the submission of a bio, DO NOT send a resume or bullet points. It is not the duty of the event organizer to create a bio for you. Do this yourself and you can always ensure a quality representation of who you are and of your most noteworthy accomplishments.

Django Unchained Movie Review

So… I saw Django Unchained and I have to say, I enjoyed it immensely. Although Jamie Foxx's speech pattern was super inconsistent, Leonardo DiCaprio was genius, reminding me of why I love him in everything, as was Samuel L. Jackson. Sam was the perfect, self-loathing Uncle Tom- I swear I've run into the non-caricatured version of this same personality in my everyday... life (haven't we all). The score for the movie was awesome, but I always love Tarantino's soundtracks. He knows how to connect his audience with the emotion of the moment (what would “Kill Bill” be without those psychedelic fight scenes?) and he did that from start to finish.

I must say that the “n” word was used pretty liberally, but who can take such a period piece seriously without it? I haven’t seen “Lincoln,” but I’m guessing they probably don’t say the “n” word nearly enough in that movie to be anywhere near historically accurate, but who’s counting and who’s really expecting the solemn execution of a Tarantino film? I do understand how some people would take offense to the trivialization of the black American holocaust, but I think Tarantino was trying to create an entertaining movie about a fictional hero who did what we all secretly wished Kunta Kinte would have done- got on a horse and shot his way through as many slavemaster’s and oversees as necessary until found Kizzy.

By the way, the man I sat next to in the theater said he’d been watching the “Roots” miniseries all week long to prepare for this movie, but he’d have been just as prepared had he watched a combination of “Boyz in the Hood,” “Blazing Saddles,” and any Richard Pryor live comedy recording….

I know many folks will watch this movie and either love or hate it, but I loved it. And while Tarantino will face his usual criticism (Inglourious Basterds anyone?), I’m just glad that Tyler Perry is not making historical fiction, because "Madea Unchained" would have been the death of me.